Dearest Guan Heng,

I have thought through things and came to many realisations when I thought back about how I felt when I was with you. This last letter I write, is testament to how in many ways, I'm always the first to reach out to you - and so this is the last time I'm doing this.

I was reflecting upon 2014, and I've finally admitted to myself that you didn't make me happy, the way I wanted to be, nor did I feel that you were truly present and truly wanted to give your heart to me - like me, you were guarded about your affections. I think we're both people who are afraid to love again. It was just not the right time for both of us to be together. So I'm writing you this goodbye, and telling you I'm letting you go.

You will always be special to me, and I will always love you - the person that you are and will become, I see your struggles and triumphs over adversities, I see you for your flaws and weaknesses. I will still love your sense of humour and your ability to see things the way they are - I will still love your laughter, self deprecating or sincere. I will forever treasure your sentimentality. Perhaps when you are ready again, we can be friends and head out for drinks - and I would like that very much.

As for me, I harbour no hope that you'll ever come back to me and I have accepted that you will never love me enough to allow me to become the centre of your universe. I have moved on. I was bitter previously because I felt that my love was unreciprocated by you. Now I have learnt, that it is okay - even if you do not love me, the love I gave to you, my heart will always be yours to keep and I shouldn't have to demand anything back.

In short I forgive you, for the choices you made, the person you are because of the mistakes you've made, as well as the victories you've earned. It doesn't mean I forget, and I certainly shall not - for the times you've caused me to be sad, anxious and the hours just hopelessly waiting. But I understand why you did what you did, and as humans we are allowed to err, and I forgive you.

In return, I hope you forgive my insistence, and desperate longing for you to "see the picture". I am not proud of some of the things I said and did, and I hope you can forgive me not for me - but for yourself. After all, forgiveness is about setting the bird in the cage free, and realising the bird was you all along.

I will continue to pray for you, that you will one day find compassion that will melt away the ego, kindness that will weather away your pride, and love that you will one day come to cherish and never let go. One day, we will both find someone who will be the centre of our universe, whom we respect and admire, who has as much love to give us, as we will give them. One day, I pray you will find an equal partner and I wish you well.

We should be proud of stepping out of this relationship knowing that in the long run it wouldn't be good for both of us. We should be proud because we were honest about this relationship. We should be proud of ending things relatively amicably, and the emotions we went through were real, and despite it all, we opened our hearts to each other knowing that one or the other is leaving. That is love - never forget and never let that go.

Continue to make difficult decisions that are good for you, continue to have courage to love yourself and forgive the mistakes you've made. You are worth it, and while we no longer live on the same planet, I will always be within your orbit. And I count on you to be there for me too, when one day I reach out to you with another broken heart, or simply to share the fullness of life's joy (my wedding?my baby? HAHA). Know that whenever you feel you have too much to bear, I will always be here, as a friend and fellow human, to listen and just hold you.

Thank you for letting me go for I can finally be myself again and that, is the most precious gift you have given me thus far. I thank you.

I had a busy day yesterday, met up with Aloy to talk about you, and my feelings about the break up. The next table was the same woman pouring to a guy friend about how her ex husband got another woman when he hasn't even signed the divorce papers.

I felt sad, and at the same time very sober because I have reaffirmed the fact that if you never loved me enough to keep me by your side because you couldn't or wouldn't love me, then you were never going to be the one for me - now or later.

I want to hate you so much for texting at 7.30am, for all the times I had to wait till noon for your reply, when you can do it in an instant. I hate you for making me feel like shit in the latter half of our relationship - was there even one?

Did you really love me all that much? When you said you will come back, were you also lying to yourself? Was it ego speaking? Whichever it is, I'm going to set aside you and live on. That's why when you asked me for my bank number this morning, I couldn't give it to you, a petty side of me wanted you to owe me forever, I didn't want that set you free because of all the hurt you've caused me. Your ledger will never be balanced, a petty part of me want you to suffer for the same suffering you wrought upon me.

I'm not entirely sure why I feel this, I am better than this vindictive bitch who doesn't feel her life will ever gonna be okay. I have forgiven you for what you've did, I should feel at peace, but I'm not perfect, and I am not consistent - but right now I hate you and I'll let go of it eventually, but I hate you.

I've thought about you throughout the day, even more when my colleague announced that she's getting married. I guess I feel out of touch with that reality, and sometimes it seems like there's nothing I do will ever get me there.

Why do I feel such a strong urge to want to be with you? Yet when I think back to all the times you've made me sad, the calls you didn't take, the heart break you made me go through, I thought to myself that no man should make his beloved go through what I did.

You're right, I deserve better, and as much as it hurts me to tell you this, but I feel I now want to let you go, because you never made me felt like you were with me. And you were right to let me go, you were right to protect your heart too, and I was too blind and eager to see that inside it all, you were hurt badly, and the worst part is, you haven't even realised it.

I am slowly letting go of "one day", "one day" you'll come back to me, "one day" you will see me for the person who was meant to be with you. I have decided that "one day" will have to settle itself in the future, and I want to find the love I deserve, a man who will grab onto a woman and never let her go.

I wonder what you have been doing over the weekend, and whether you worry about me. I wonder if you still think about me, and whether you will still consider my happiness something important in your life.

I still wonder, why 2 people who still love each other cannot be together, and I remember that you don't "care enough".

Perhaps I should stop deluding myself and take it as - you don't love me anymore. I should move on - forever closing this door, right?

We've closed chapter 1, not knowing if chapter 2 will ever be reopened. I figured if there will ever be such a time again, we will both be ready to love and be loved.

I've sealed that needy and desperate part of myself, and I'm going to respect you by giving you time to heal too. In some deep recess of my heart, I know that if we will pull through this, and when you come back it'll be so much sweeter and deserving.

You're right, I deserve better and right now I need to think about how I can be more confident and believe in myself. I will do the right thing without being closed to you forever. My heart is wounded and you will forever have part of me with you. A new part will grow in its place over time and I believe you will be ready to ask for it when time comes.

I'm still going to tell you about my day until one day....I no longer wish to or have to. In any case the next girl that captures your heart deserves you....and I hope you will be a better man to her, as much as the next man who loves me will be better to me.

I am going to learn how to stand on my own feet, and I was already learning before you came along or else we would never have come together. I will forever be grateful to you, for teaching me even more about myself than anyone ever could. I regret, but I am also going to forgive myself.

I got news that I got nominated for best master thesis! I can't imagine how meeting you right now, and sharing that piece of good news with you might feel like. I don't dare to imagine -only skirting across the yearn of want, because I'm afraid that all this will be a lie.

I texted you, but what I really wanted was to hear your voice. The longing pains me so. Am I asking too much from you? Pushing you too far before you think you're ready?

I'm still writing to you because I don't know what else to do besides this....I feel so pathetic and helpless. I hate myself somewhat for loving you because you cannot give me what I want and deserve, at the same time your heart and soul pulls me back to your orbit because deep inside you stir a longing far beyond roses and cards.

I only wish you can forgive yourself soon and return to me, I pray every night that you'll not just have strength, but also gentleness with yourself. I cannot repeat myself enough that I am by your side, supporting you in the trenches.

All these words, caught between the times of our replies on text, can never be expressed except in here - where I may speak freely without wondering if it'll turn things for the worse. I am trying very hard, I hope in my trial by fire and time, you'll come to understand how much you've given up precisely because you were so hard on yourself.

I love you, love you far beyond the notes of any music can express, in all your flaws and beauty - my mistake is not telling you these early enough, and I pay for my blunder.

I'm on the way home from work, gonna go visit my mum. I've been doing that for the past week. How is your work? I hope Zalora is not bullying you =(

Work has been quite quiet but at the same time things in the pipeline is making things pretty exciting....Lw is trusting me with more important work like optimisation and managing the publishers. I feel she can give me more work, but I also respect her stance that I need to be cautious as well. So its a fine balance.

I don't know when we'll talk like normal again, I was really happy to know you're still here for me....It warms me in ways your jacket helps keep me calm through the night.

Reach home safe? Eat well, okay?

What could I have done to make you feel better?

I don't know what else to do? Or maybe I'm not supposed to do anything. I'm such a wreck right now because I feel I should give you the space....I am trying very hard to listen, to hear that you need space to become better.

Every time you say I deserve better years me apart, as much as when I tell you I will find another.

Come back to me soon, I love you so so much.

This is the first day, I didn't receive a message from you in the morning. Never has a WhatsApp icon been so important to see, never has been my task bar been able to make me so happy.

I've been thinking 2 days, the things I've said to hurt you, to make you lose hope in me - and realised what an idiot I was. Now you're not even texting me and it tears me apart.

I want you back in my life so much it hurts, every day it's just filling my life with empty-busyness, trying not to be affected so much that you aren't speaking to me.

I miss you so...your jacket is starting not to smell like you anymore and I'm scared.

I've been learning so much about myself these 2 days. I finally realised the exact moment where my walls started to be jaded - where the concrete that build those walls became solidified. It was when I wasn't allowed to mourn over my mum, when my life was crowded in by relatives and all other nonsense. I had to shut out feeling so that I can function. So when you came over, so in pain, for the first time, I actually allowed myself to cry alongside you, something I never did because you are my happiness, and the world came crashing when you crashed.

I still can't believe I'm writing inside a blog rather than writing to you. I dont know why you're not texting me, I want so badly to be by your side, holding your hands again, to feel your suffering so that I may take it away so you'll feel happy.

We're both so similar, wanting the best for the people we love - and that's ironically the thing that makes me love you so much. Your first words on "what do you want" is for other people's happiness. It would have been the same thing that I would have said as well.

Isn't it strange, we've got to learn how to take as well as give. We're both so good at giving that we forgot to learn how to take. I indulged and didn't give you the space to give back, and at the same time couldn't give you the emotional connection I should. And you gave up yourself thinking I'll be happier off and at the same time also denying me of your very presence that was so important to me. If there's a next time, let's try to give each other what they want, let's open and talk honestly, let's discuss.

Let's stop assuming what the other wants, and really speak from the heart what we want from the other. For me, I'll promise to learn how to listen, and stop judging or critically analysing whenever you have a problem, I will allow myself to feel whenever I'm happy with you. I will not hold back with you because it's you - my beloved.

This is my first relationship, and I'm really bad at connecting with people. This is my test, and I will try to be a better person, the girlfriend/partner you deserve. You deserve someone who can share herself fully and emotionally, I will work harder, keep on reflecting...I want to be the woman you deserve in your life.

No amount of apologies is going to take away the pain my pride caused, I understand if you no longer love me, as much as it hurts - it's a lesson I will forever have to tattoo in my heart.