For the past 2 days, I've learnt many things from people, and I want to pen down these reflections before they dissipate into the corners of my memory.

I've always been on for writing, because it forces us to confront ourselves, the iterative process of manifesting thoughts forces us to stare at ourselves in the mirror. For this reason, I am thankful to fangyu for teaching me the value of letter writing. I have learnt that when writing a letter, we are allowed to express ourselves beyond 140 characters. It is a luxury to also be able to pick it up and revise those words meant to us, the bearer of the letter.

There is something infinitely precious about writing a letter to someone.

Secondly, I've been wrong. I've always felt the need to help people, that's innate and something my parents brought me up to be - helpful and considerate. However they did not bring me up to be a saviour. I know not when that happened, and it could be a mixture of pride and good intentions, which resulted in the potent mix of needing to fix the flaws of people instead of looking inward at myself for my own flaws and try to fix them instead.

I now have a clearer view of myself and expressing these views will serve as a reminder of my more sober and lucid moments.

Being proud of our achievements is something we are told, is a good thing. But is it really? We feel entitled when we are proud of what we've done and it blinds us to much of reality. The reality is a harsh truth that we didn't do this alone - circumstances led us here, and people gave their wise counsel and advise, and while the effort is our own, none would have mattered if we also did not have a wellspring of both direct and indirect support. Being proud of our own work forgoes these huge web of which we are only but a shoestring. The weaver deserves praise for putting us within with perfection.

Pride is also a defensive mechanism. We want to be proud of ourselves and achievements because subconsciously we fight against the assumption we are good for nothing. We grasp at anything that proves against that point. We want to be proven wrong. And that's completely natural. I want to believe I am invincible and with time and effort I can overcome my weaknesses of numbers. So any validation that assures me I'm lying to myself IS a lie. Who become reliant on the judgement of others and they start to shape how we see ourselves and derails us from a solemn truth - being good or bad at something is not the opinion of others, but a whole history of consistent effort and self-belief that doing something important is more meaningful that doing something purely because we enjoyed being good at it.

So it is no wonder, that wise sages place pride as a a cardinal sin - the silent killer, the one that goeth before fall. The matter is simple. We are blind to what's ahead such that when we run out of road, it's already too late and the humility comes before we fall, but fall we shall and it is up to us to pick ourselves up from the débris, the scatter and climb up the cliff of shame and self-pity.

In that regard no one can truly save us, nor should they. Friends can tell us which handgrip we might want to try to pull ourselves up, but if we ignore their advice, or try and still fall back down to the abyss, it's not their fault for not getting it right, but that we are both blind people trying to describe an elephant by touch. The journey is our own and the destination our own choosing.

I have made mistakes these past days, in my hours of weakness, I mistaken desperation to hold on to my old ways as "caring" for someone. It's time to let that go, and understand that help is only welcomed when a person asks for it. I can't rape a person into realisation their path up the cliff is wrongly chosen, after all my view isn't complete.

There's no prize for reaching the top first, and like climbing a mountain it doesn't matter how long I took to do it, but the fact that I did reach the top.

At this time when everyone is typing away on their phones, playing virtual reality, watching shows and scrolling social feeds, it is so easy to distract ourselves. I have learnt that we can only run, but not hide. I ran to Europe 2 yesrs ago and still my troubles and unsettlement followed. This sense of wrongness and intense sadness does not go away simply because I am looking at the most beautiful buildings Europe can offer. All it revealed was the sight of isolation and loneliness amidst the sea of plenty.

I still need to learn and will continue to fail. But I am made up of more than failures and the need to affirm myself I'm not a lost cause. I am most assuredly love and being able to also receive that is perhaps the greatest gift life has given. We are given love everyday, but wisdom teaches me to receive and acknowledge that I deserve this and accept that this gift is precious and there is no need be self-entitled or feel embarrassed about receiving it. Simply just, understand and acknowledge the gift is one we are called upon to receive and a blessing. We can only pass on what we have to others for nothing is permanent and truly ours to keep anyway.

People ask me, how is it possible I can move on so fast, snap out of it - be a "guy". I think when they asked me that question, the moving on they had in mind is one that leaves you behind, forever cutting off connections and trying everything to forget.

That's not what I did, although I can imagine how my actions can be misinterpreted in such a manner.

Moving on, for me, means to leave behind all the past mistakes I've made, to focus on myself and my feelings, to detach from you. To consider honestly with myself, all the good and bad that happened in our relationship. It also means not allowing you to affect my feelings, to acknowledge them and then let it go. For instance, I was disappointed that you didn't turn up to see my mum, because of a miscommunication, and in that moment the ugly pettiness of all the moments when you've wronged me, rose up and I reacted badly. To move on, is to acknowledge that episode, how I felt and reflect upon it - and to conclude from that episode that a small part of me still wishes that we can be back together.

To move on is to abandon that hope, to understand it is fantasy speaking, and to become sober about our expectations of each other. If you did love me enough to stay beside me, then I love myself better to find someone who will. To move on is not to discard the fact that you might one day return to me, but by then our relationship would take on a different flavour because by then, we would be slightly different (and hopefully wiser) people. It means to move on from this bad place, and understand we are together alone, that we are required to fight our own battles, and when we're ready, time will tell if we are meant to be together.

It also means discovering for myself what I need - I needed a man who will do what he says and means what he does. I have accepted that knowing you care, is not quite the same as feeling your actions - perhaps we have different love languages, perhaps I'm not easily pacified by gestures of will, but wills in gestures.

As much as I've moved on, I'm still available, because I am not abandoning you. Perhaps to say, I'm letting the hurt get to me, to tear me rare and open, to make self vulnerable and completely honest. To surrender and make my fantasies asunder, and really internalise my mistakes to learn to be a better person.

Moving on doesn't mean abandoning the equation, it means continuing to have hope that things will get better and to transcend this equilibrium for another. It means not allowing time to slip away, to seize every moment to learn more about myself.

That is how I move on so fast. That is why I can write you that letter, and that is also why I am still affected when you withdraw or reach out. It doesn't mean I can't take it, it means I take it in stride. I am always with you, a flawed human, holding your hand.

To be frank, I was disappointed, again that it didn't turn out well. It would seem that whatever something came up, there will always be an intercession such that what I hope for, and what you would want to do,doesn't happen.

Yesterday was a classic example of assumptions make the ass out of you and me, you assumed there were visiting hours and thus couldn't come, and I assumed you were making excuses not to come due to some last minute chicken shit BQ and ZX told you.

In a moment of weakness, I expressed my disappointment, again without thinking how you might be feeling - I guess I'm lousy with emotions that way. I want so badly to see how you were doing...A part of me still wants to see you and hold you to know you're still real.

It felt like friends again when we spoke on Tues, now, I'm not sure you want to speak to me ever again.