For the past 2 days, I've learnt many things from people, and I want to pen down these reflections before they dissipate into the corners of my memory.

I've always been on for writing, because it forces us to confront ourselves, the iterative process of manifesting thoughts forces us to stare at ourselves in the mirror. For this reason, I am thankful to fangyu for teaching me the value of letter writing. I have learnt that when writing a letter, we are allowed to express ourselves beyond 140 characters. It is a luxury to also be able to pick it up and revise those words meant to us, the bearer of the letter.

There is something infinitely precious about writing a letter to someone.

Secondly, I've been wrong. I've always felt the need to help people, that's innate and something my parents brought me up to be - helpful and considerate. However they did not bring me up to be a saviour. I know not when that happened, and it could be a mixture of pride and good intentions, which resulted in the potent mix of needing to fix the flaws of people instead of looking inward at myself for my own flaws and try to fix them instead.

I now have a clearer view of myself and expressing these views will serve as a reminder of my more sober and lucid moments.

Being proud of our achievements is something we are told, is a good thing. But is it really? We feel entitled when we are proud of what we've done and it blinds us to much of reality. The reality is a harsh truth that we didn't do this alone - circumstances led us here, and people gave their wise counsel and advise, and while the effort is our own, none would have mattered if we also did not have a wellspring of both direct and indirect support. Being proud of our own work forgoes these huge web of which we are only but a shoestring. The weaver deserves praise for putting us within with perfection.

Pride is also a defensive mechanism. We want to be proud of ourselves and achievements because subconsciously we fight against the assumption we are good for nothing. We grasp at anything that proves against that point. We want to be proven wrong. And that's completely natural. I want to believe I am invincible and with time and effort I can overcome my weaknesses of numbers. So any validation that assures me I'm lying to myself IS a lie. Who become reliant on the judgement of others and they start to shape how we see ourselves and derails us from a solemn truth - being good or bad at something is not the opinion of others, but a whole history of consistent effort and self-belief that doing something important is more meaningful that doing something purely because we enjoyed being good at it.

So it is no wonder, that wise sages place pride as a a cardinal sin - the silent killer, the one that goeth before fall. The matter is simple. We are blind to what's ahead such that when we run out of road, it's already too late and the humility comes before we fall, but fall we shall and it is up to us to pick ourselves up from the débris, the scatter and climb up the cliff of shame and self-pity.

In that regard no one can truly save us, nor should they. Friends can tell us which handgrip we might want to try to pull ourselves up, but if we ignore their advice, or try and still fall back down to the abyss, it's not their fault for not getting it right, but that we are both blind people trying to describe an elephant by touch. The journey is our own and the destination our own choosing.

I have made mistakes these past days, in my hours of weakness, I mistaken desperation to hold on to my old ways as "caring" for someone. It's time to let that go, and understand that help is only welcomed when a person asks for it. I can't rape a person into realisation their path up the cliff is wrongly chosen, after all my view isn't complete.

There's no prize for reaching the top first, and like climbing a mountain it doesn't matter how long I took to do it, but the fact that I did reach the top.

At this time when everyone is typing away on their phones, playing virtual reality, watching shows and scrolling social feeds, it is so easy to distract ourselves. I have learnt that we can only run, but not hide. I ran to Europe 2 yesrs ago and still my troubles and unsettlement followed. This sense of wrongness and intense sadness does not go away simply because I am looking at the most beautiful buildings Europe can offer. All it revealed was the sight of isolation and loneliness amidst the sea of plenty.

I still need to learn and will continue to fail. But I am made up of more than failures and the need to affirm myself I'm not a lost cause. I am most assuredly love and being able to also receive that is perhaps the greatest gift life has given. We are given love everyday, but wisdom teaches me to receive and acknowledge that I deserve this and accept that this gift is precious and there is no need be self-entitled or feel embarrassed about receiving it. Simply just, understand and acknowledge the gift is one we are called upon to receive and a blessing. We can only pass on what we have to others for nothing is permanent and truly ours to keep anyway.

People ask me, how is it possible I can move on so fast, snap out of it - be a "guy". I think when they asked me that question, the moving on they had in mind is one that leaves you behind, forever cutting off connections and trying everything to forget.

That's not what I did, although I can imagine how my actions can be misinterpreted in such a manner.

Moving on, for me, means to leave behind all the past mistakes I've made, to focus on myself and my feelings, to detach from you. To consider honestly with myself, all the good and bad that happened in our relationship. It also means not allowing you to affect my feelings, to acknowledge them and then let it go. For instance, I was disappointed that you didn't turn up to see my mum, because of a miscommunication, and in that moment the ugly pettiness of all the moments when you've wronged me, rose up and I reacted badly. To move on, is to acknowledge that episode, how I felt and reflect upon it - and to conclude from that episode that a small part of me still wishes that we can be back together.

To move on is to abandon that hope, to understand it is fantasy speaking, and to become sober about our expectations of each other. If you did love me enough to stay beside me, then I love myself better to find someone who will. To move on is not to discard the fact that you might one day return to me, but by then our relationship would take on a different flavour because by then, we would be slightly different (and hopefully wiser) people. It means to move on from this bad place, and understand we are together alone, that we are required to fight our own battles, and when we're ready, time will tell if we are meant to be together.

It also means discovering for myself what I need - I needed a man who will do what he says and means what he does. I have accepted that knowing you care, is not quite the same as feeling your actions - perhaps we have different love languages, perhaps I'm not easily pacified by gestures of will, but wills in gestures.

As much as I've moved on, I'm still available, because I am not abandoning you. Perhaps to say, I'm letting the hurt get to me, to tear me rare and open, to make self vulnerable and completely honest. To surrender and make my fantasies asunder, and really internalise my mistakes to learn to be a better person.

Moving on doesn't mean abandoning the equation, it means continuing to have hope that things will get better and to transcend this equilibrium for another. It means not allowing time to slip away, to seize every moment to learn more about myself.

That is how I move on so fast. That is why I can write you that letter, and that is also why I am still affected when you withdraw or reach out. It doesn't mean I can't take it, it means I take it in stride. I am always with you, a flawed human, holding your hand.

To be frank, I was disappointed, again that it didn't turn out well. It would seem that whatever something came up, there will always be an intercession such that what I hope for, and what you would want to do,doesn't happen.

Yesterday was a classic example of assumptions make the ass out of you and me, you assumed there were visiting hours and thus couldn't come, and I assumed you were making excuses not to come due to some last minute chicken shit BQ and ZX told you.

In a moment of weakness, I expressed my disappointment, again without thinking how you might be feeling - I guess I'm lousy with emotions that way. I want so badly to see how you were doing...A part of me still wants to see you and hold you to know you're still real.

It felt like friends again when we spoke on Tues, now, I'm not sure you want to speak to me ever again.

Dearest Guan Heng,

I have thought through things and came to many realisations when I thought back about how I felt when I was with you. This last letter I write, is testament to how in many ways, I'm always the first to reach out to you - and so this is the last time I'm doing this.

I was reflecting upon 2014, and I've finally admitted to myself that you didn't make me happy, the way I wanted to be, nor did I feel that you were truly present and truly wanted to give your heart to me - like me, you were guarded about your affections. I think we're both people who are afraid to love again. It was just not the right time for both of us to be together. So I'm writing you this goodbye, and telling you I'm letting you go.

You will always be special to me, and I will always love you - the person that you are and will become, I see your struggles and triumphs over adversities, I see you for your flaws and weaknesses. I will still love your sense of humour and your ability to see things the way they are - I will still love your laughter, self deprecating or sincere. I will forever treasure your sentimentality. Perhaps when you are ready again, we can be friends and head out for drinks - and I would like that very much.

As for me, I harbour no hope that you'll ever come back to me and I have accepted that you will never love me enough to allow me to become the centre of your universe. I have moved on. I was bitter previously because I felt that my love was unreciprocated by you. Now I have learnt, that it is okay - even if you do not love me, the love I gave to you, my heart will always be yours to keep and I shouldn't have to demand anything back.

In short I forgive you, for the choices you made, the person you are because of the mistakes you've made, as well as the victories you've earned. It doesn't mean I forget, and I certainly shall not - for the times you've caused me to be sad, anxious and the hours just hopelessly waiting. But I understand why you did what you did, and as humans we are allowed to err, and I forgive you.

In return, I hope you forgive my insistence, and desperate longing for you to "see the picture". I am not proud of some of the things I said and did, and I hope you can forgive me not for me - but for yourself. After all, forgiveness is about setting the bird in the cage free, and realising the bird was you all along.

I will continue to pray for you, that you will one day find compassion that will melt away the ego, kindness that will weather away your pride, and love that you will one day come to cherish and never let go. One day, we will both find someone who will be the centre of our universe, whom we respect and admire, who has as much love to give us, as we will give them. One day, I pray you will find an equal partner and I wish you well.

We should be proud of stepping out of this relationship knowing that in the long run it wouldn't be good for both of us. We should be proud because we were honest about this relationship. We should be proud of ending things relatively amicably, and the emotions we went through were real, and despite it all, we opened our hearts to each other knowing that one or the other is leaving. That is love - never forget and never let that go.

Continue to make difficult decisions that are good for you, continue to have courage to love yourself and forgive the mistakes you've made. You are worth it, and while we no longer live on the same planet, I will always be within your orbit. And I count on you to be there for me too, when one day I reach out to you with another broken heart, or simply to share the fullness of life's joy (my wedding?my baby? HAHA). Know that whenever you feel you have too much to bear, I will always be here, as a friend and fellow human, to listen and just hold you.

Thank you for letting me go for I can finally be myself again and that, is the most precious gift you have given me thus far. I thank you.

I had a busy day yesterday, met up with Aloy to talk about you, and my feelings about the break up. The next table was the same woman pouring to a guy friend about how her ex husband got another woman when he hasn't even signed the divorce papers.

I felt sad, and at the same time very sober because I have reaffirmed the fact that if you never loved me enough to keep me by your side because you couldn't or wouldn't love me, then you were never going to be the one for me - now or later.

I want to hate you so much for texting at 7.30am, for all the times I had to wait till noon for your reply, when you can do it in an instant. I hate you for making me feel like shit in the latter half of our relationship - was there even one?

Did you really love me all that much? When you said you will come back, were you also lying to yourself? Was it ego speaking? Whichever it is, I'm going to set aside you and live on. That's why when you asked me for my bank number this morning, I couldn't give it to you, a petty side of me wanted you to owe me forever, I didn't want that set you free because of all the hurt you've caused me. Your ledger will never be balanced, a petty part of me want you to suffer for the same suffering you wrought upon me.

I'm not entirely sure why I feel this, I am better than this vindictive bitch who doesn't feel her life will ever gonna be okay. I have forgiven you for what you've did, I should feel at peace, but I'm not perfect, and I am not consistent - but right now I hate you and I'll let go of it eventually, but I hate you.

I've thought about you throughout the day, even more when my colleague announced that she's getting married. I guess I feel out of touch with that reality, and sometimes it seems like there's nothing I do will ever get me there.

Why do I feel such a strong urge to want to be with you? Yet when I think back to all the times you've made me sad, the calls you didn't take, the heart break you made me go through, I thought to myself that no man should make his beloved go through what I did.

You're right, I deserve better, and as much as it hurts me to tell you this, but I feel I now want to let you go, because you never made me felt like you were with me. And you were right to let me go, you were right to protect your heart too, and I was too blind and eager to see that inside it all, you were hurt badly, and the worst part is, you haven't even realised it.

I am slowly letting go of "one day", "one day" you'll come back to me, "one day" you will see me for the person who was meant to be with you. I have decided that "one day" will have to settle itself in the future, and I want to find the love I deserve, a man who will grab onto a woman and never let her go.