Read-Reading

Dear All...

Thank you for taking time to receive your Christmas present.

This year it's a little different partly because a) I am broke beyond belief and b) because this story needs to be told. Every year I swear that I must prepare this story in time for Christmas, and every year I failed. So now, I'm presenting Part I of the Christmas Carol (if not, it'll never come out ever). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

The stories do not refer to anyone in particular and neither of you are feature here. However, having said that, this story is a tribute to my new-found friends Rahman, Justin, Hysen. And of course Chris.

I want to send my love to 222 for being the family you are, for silently being there any time I need your love. To Xinyi who always take the effort to meet me, to Nat for the sweetest words and to Ritesh for your trust and confidence. For Cathleen and Shangyi for the ornamentation of laughter every time…laughter, is indeed golden. For Daniel, this Christmas was made extra special for your words of assurance. Thanks buddy!

To Guanyu for your kindness for the steinway arrangement and gifts. See you around school! To the nurses at Renci for being ever so kind…

And…of course, to all my wonderful friends who have made this year such a meaningful one. If I had my way, I wish I could list down everything all of you have said or done that touched me. Thank you.

From a feeling-very-loved,

Claud

(P.S Please pardon any grammatical mistakes!)

Wednesday, January 21, 2015
4:08 PM

This is the first day, I didn't receive a message from you in the morning. Never has a WhatsApp icon been so important to see, never has been my task bar been able to make me so happy.

I've been thinking 2 days, the things I've said to hurt you, to make you lose hope in me - and realised what an idiot I was. Now you're not even texting me and it tears me apart.

I want you back in my life so much it hurts, every day it's just filling my life with empty-busyness, trying not to be affected so much that you aren't speaking to me.

I miss you so...your jacket is starting not to smell like you anymore and I'm scared.

I've been learning so much about myself these 2 days. I finally realised the exact moment where my walls started to be jaded - where the concrete that build those walls became solidified. It was when I wasn't allowed to mourn over my mum, when my life was crowded in by relatives and all other nonsense. I had to shut out feeling so that I can function. So when you came over, so in pain, for the first time, I actually allowed myself to cry alongside you, something I never did because you are my happiness, and the world came crashing when you crashed.

I still can't believe I'm writing inside a blog rather than writing to you. I dont know why you're not texting me, I want so badly to be by your side, holding your hands again, to feel your suffering so that I may take it away so you'll feel happy.

We're both so similar, wanting the best for the people we love - and that's ironically the thing that makes me love you so much. Your first words on "what do you want" is for other people's happiness. It would have been the same thing that I would have said as well.

Isn't it strange, we've got to learn how to take as well as give. We're both so good at giving that we forgot to learn how to take. I indulged and didn't give you the space to give back, and at the same time couldn't give you the emotional connection I should. And you gave up yourself thinking I'll be happier off and at the same time also denying me of your very presence that was so important to me. If there's a next time, let's try to give each other what they want, let's open and talk honestly, let's discuss.

Let's stop assuming what the other wants, and really speak from the heart what we want from the other. For me, I'll promise to learn how to listen, and stop judging or critically analysing whenever you have a problem, I will allow myself to feel whenever I'm happy with you. I will not hold back with you because it's you - my beloved.

This is my first relationship, and I'm really bad at connecting with people. This is my test, and I will try to be a better person, the girlfriend/partner you deserve. You deserve someone who can share herself fully and emotionally, I will work harder, keep on reflecting...I want to be the woman you deserve in your life.

No amount of apologies is going to take away the pain my pride caused, I understand if you no longer love me, as much as it hurts - it's a lesson I will forever have to tattoo in my heart.

Merry Christmas!