For the past 2 days, I've learnt many things from people, and I want to pen down these reflections before they dissipate into the corners of my memory.

I've always been on for writing, because it forces us to confront ourselves, the iterative process of manifesting thoughts forces us to stare at ourselves in the mirror. For this reason, I am thankful to fangyu for teaching me the value of letter writing. I have learnt that when writing a letter, we are allowed to express ourselves beyond 140 characters. It is a luxury to also be able to pick it up and revise those words meant to us, the bearer of the letter.

There is something infinitely precious about writing a letter to someone.

Secondly, I've been wrong. I've always felt the need to help people, that's innate and something my parents brought me up to be - helpful and considerate. However they did not bring me up to be a saviour. I know not when that happened, and it could be a mixture of pride and good intentions, which resulted in the potent mix of needing to fix the flaws of people instead of looking inward at myself for my own flaws and try to fix them instead.

I now have a clearer view of myself and expressing these views will serve as a reminder of my more sober and lucid moments.

Being proud of our achievements is something we are told, is a good thing. But is it really? We feel entitled when we are proud of what we've done and it blinds us to much of reality. The reality is a harsh truth that we didn't do this alone - circumstances led us here, and people gave their wise counsel and advise, and while the effort is our own, none would have mattered if we also did not have a wellspring of both direct and indirect support. Being proud of our own work forgoes these huge web of which we are only but a shoestring. The weaver deserves praise for putting us within with perfection.

Pride is also a defensive mechanism. We want to be proud of ourselves and achievements because subconsciously we fight against the assumption we are good for nothing. We grasp at anything that proves against that point. We want to be proven wrong. And that's completely natural. I want to believe I am invincible and with time and effort I can overcome my weaknesses of numbers. So any validation that assures me I'm lying to myself IS a lie. Who become reliant on the judgement of others and they start to shape how we see ourselves and derails us from a solemn truth - being good or bad at something is not the opinion of others, but a whole history of consistent effort and self-belief that doing something important is more meaningful that doing something purely because we enjoyed being good at it.

So it is no wonder, that wise sages place pride as a a cardinal sin - the silent killer, the one that goeth before fall. The matter is simple. We are blind to what's ahead such that when we run out of road, it's already too late and the humility comes before we fall, but fall we shall and it is up to us to pick ourselves up from the débris, the scatter and climb up the cliff of shame and self-pity.

In that regard no one can truly save us, nor should they. Friends can tell us which handgrip we might want to try to pull ourselves up, but if we ignore their advice, or try and still fall back down to the abyss, it's not their fault for not getting it right, but that we are both blind people trying to describe an elephant by touch. The journey is our own and the destination our own choosing.

I have made mistakes these past days, in my hours of weakness, I mistaken desperation to hold on to my old ways as "caring" for someone. It's time to let that go, and understand that help is only welcomed when a person asks for it. I can't rape a person into realisation their path up the cliff is wrongly chosen, after all my view isn't complete.

There's no prize for reaching the top first, and like climbing a mountain it doesn't matter how long I took to do it, but the fact that I did reach the top.

At this time when everyone is typing away on their phones, playing virtual reality, watching shows and scrolling social feeds, it is so easy to distract ourselves. I have learnt that we can only run, but not hide. I ran to Europe 2 yesrs ago and still my troubles and unsettlement followed. This sense of wrongness and intense sadness does not go away simply because I am looking at the most beautiful buildings Europe can offer. All it revealed was the sight of isolation and loneliness amidst the sea of plenty.

I still need to learn and will continue to fail. But I am made up of more than failures and the need to affirm myself I'm not a lost cause. I am most assuredly love and being able to also receive that is perhaps the greatest gift life has given. We are given love everyday, but wisdom teaches me to receive and acknowledge that I deserve this and accept that this gift is precious and there is no need be self-entitled or feel embarrassed about receiving it. Simply just, understand and acknowledge the gift is one we are called upon to receive and a blessing. We can only pass on what we have to others for nothing is permanent and truly ours to keep anyway.