People ask me, how is it possible I can move on so fast, snap out of it - be a "guy". I think when they asked me that question, the moving on they had in mind is one that leaves you behind, forever cutting off connections and trying everything to forget.

That's not what I did, although I can imagine how my actions can be misinterpreted in such a manner.

Moving on, for me, means to leave behind all the past mistakes I've made, to focus on myself and my feelings, to detach from you. To consider honestly with myself, all the good and bad that happened in our relationship. It also means not allowing you to affect my feelings, to acknowledge them and then let it go. For instance, I was disappointed that you didn't turn up to see my mum, because of a miscommunication, and in that moment the ugly pettiness of all the moments when you've wronged me, rose up and I reacted badly. To move on, is to acknowledge that episode, how I felt and reflect upon it - and to conclude from that episode that a small part of me still wishes that we can be back together.

To move on is to abandon that hope, to understand it is fantasy speaking, and to become sober about our expectations of each other. If you did love me enough to stay beside me, then I love myself better to find someone who will. To move on is not to discard the fact that you might one day return to me, but by then our relationship would take on a different flavour because by then, we would be slightly different (and hopefully wiser) people. It means to move on from this bad place, and understand we are together alone, that we are required to fight our own battles, and when we're ready, time will tell if we are meant to be together.

It also means discovering for myself what I need - I needed a man who will do what he says and means what he does. I have accepted that knowing you care, is not quite the same as feeling your actions - perhaps we have different love languages, perhaps I'm not easily pacified by gestures of will, but wills in gestures.

As much as I've moved on, I'm still available, because I am not abandoning you. Perhaps to say, I'm letting the hurt get to me, to tear me rare and open, to make self vulnerable and completely honest. To surrender and make my fantasies asunder, and really internalise my mistakes to learn to be a better person.

Moving on doesn't mean abandoning the equation, it means continuing to have hope that things will get better and to transcend this equilibrium for another. It means not allowing time to slip away, to seize every moment to learn more about myself.

That is how I move on so fast. That is why I can write you that letter, and that is also why I am still affected when you withdraw or reach out. It doesn't mean I can't take it, it means I take it in stride. I am always with you, a flawed human, holding your hand.